Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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