we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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