Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
