I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
