My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
