You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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