her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
