he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
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Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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