On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
