Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
