half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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