Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
