can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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