please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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