I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize