mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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