There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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