the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
