So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
