Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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