when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
