i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Houston, we have a squirter
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
