broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
