I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
