if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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