Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
