...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
