I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
