apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
