3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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