Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
