Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
