tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.