The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.