My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.