if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.