Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.