The best revenge is premature balding
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
