Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
