I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
