I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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