Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
