Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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