He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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