I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
