Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
