Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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