We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
