I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You took a bar mat shot.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
