his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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