I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We had to coat check the pizza.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
