Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I want a musical about memes.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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