there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
