My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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