Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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