Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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