***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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