it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
