We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
