I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
