His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
