How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
