I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
