I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
