Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
