why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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