So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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