She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
