I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
