It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
